Show and Tell or Show and Fail?

When our oldest son was about a year old we went to a get-together at some friends' house. There were a few couples there, all with children around a year old. After dinner we were talking with each other and as often happens the conversation hit a lull. Trying to break the silence I facetiously asked, "So, have yall started looking into preschools yet?" Hoping to get a small laugh, it was to my horror that I had sparked a serious conversation. It turned out that my wife and I were the only couple who had not toured preschools and were not currently trying to teach our child to drool in a fashion that Over Priced PreSchool Academy would be impressed by. I wrote it off as over-excitement on some new parents' parts.

Fast forward a few years later. It is now time to make some important decisions about this young'n's future. Now, I did not realize this, but it is possible to take a full grown adults current socio-economic position and determine the kindergarten they attended. Basically all this "get into a good college" mumbo jumbo is just that. Mumbo jumbo. The Ivy League ain't where it's at. True success is in the fat crayons and playdough. Where you learned to tie your shoes will ultimately determine what kind of shoes you can wear.

My wife has been looking into different Kindered options of intellectual stimulation for weeks now. She truly is looking for the right place for our son to go. So, when my mouth-breathing, ignorant self suggested "What difference does it make? It's Kindergarten." You would have thought I had just asked for some ketchup to put on my fillet mignon(I've gotten that look before).

We are not unique in our dilemma. This problem is industry-wide with parents of 4 year olds. I have even started to notice pack mentality within these mothers of 4 year olds. I hear icily whispered conversations with each other on the phone ending in things like, "If we don't choose wisely they may end up like...like...them," as I feel the scowl burning me.

But I gotta be honest, if I hear one more kindergarten teacher boast about the benefits of their non-Euclidean geometry curriculum I am gonna scream. Whatever happened to gold stars for not picking your nose for twenty minutes?

Well, I gotta go, it's 10:50 pm and I gotta get Junior brushed up on his interview skills.

While we are on the subject, does anyone know of a good AAU basketball team for my two year old?

Help.

"Stomach Bacteria Tied to Obesity" -- studies say one type seems to help perpetuate weight gain.

This is the lead headline on the front page of the Lexington Herald-Leader today.

Now, I am not one to usually play the victim role but it is quite obvious to me that I have fallen victim to this horrible bacterium over the past few years.

I have even narrowed it down to the places that I think I may have contracted this bug. I am fairly certain it came from one of the following: McDonalds, Wendy's, Burger King, Little Caesers, Graeters Ice Cream, Moe's, Chick-Fil-A, and/or the lunch counter at Wheeler Pharmacy. Being that I eat at one or more of these places multiple times a day I am fairly certain I have been exposed.

This exposure can be confirmed when you look at a few interesting facts:
1) Weight - 232 lbs. This is a personal best.
2) Chest - 44 inches
Stomach - 44 inches
Waist - 43 inches
3) Chins - 2
4) Resting Heart Rate - 90

Now, the question is, "What can I do about this infection?" In our lawsuit happy culture I think I would have a case to sue for about a bizillion dollars. But again, I am not one to play the victim role. So, I plan to take the Kirstie Alley approach. Recently she vowed to go on Oprah in a bikini and she used that as incentive to lose weight. Granted, I am not just trying to lose weight I am fighting a deadly biological infection but I think this may work...with your help.

After recovering from this infection I hope to weigh less than 200 lbs. I plan on weighing 216 or less by the end of June and 200 or less by the end of 2007. I hearby vow to post a picture of me sans shirt if either of the two milestones are not met.

Now, I realize this is something none of you want to see(ask Betty). So the responsibility is yours. If you see me doing things such as taking elevators, parking close at Golden Corral, or eating food you have the right, no, you have the duty to call me out on it. Help me fight this bacteria.

Jordan thinks I should post "before" pictures because she wouldn't be at all embarrassed. But I just don't think that is necessary--just picture an unfortunately named bad guy in the last two Austin Powers movies.

I will update you periodically on my progress on my blob...I mean blog.

Election Day is November 7th.

With Election Day coming Tuesday I wanted to give you all something to think about before you go to the polling places.

1. Famous Amos was a record exec. that helped sign Marvin Gaye and Simon and Garfunkel before he became the famous cookie man.

2. One of my sons has a shirt that reads "Varsity Chess Team, Check Yo' self." We can only dream.

3. There is an urban legend about a lady that administers driving tests here in Lexington. This woman is rumored to be the meanest organism ever to live. It seems this lady could be serving our military on covert missions, earning a living as a mercenary in Boliva, or scaring sixteen year olds in Lexington. Evidently she chose the latter.

4. The Fudruckers on Hilton Head Island closes at 9:30 pm sharp. Don't even ask for an exception.

5. The Chevrolet Aveo is made by Daewoo and sold in S. Korea as the Daewoo Kalos.

6. We did not get a single mini-roll of lifesavers in this years Halloween booty. We got some packs of two livesavers packaged individually, but no mini-rolls. If that fact doesn't get out the vote I don't know what will.

7. If you bite wint-o-green livesavers in a dark room it will make a spark inside your mouth. Technically, if you bite wint-o-green livesavers in a lighted room it will also make a spark but you will be less likely to believe me.

8. There is a town in South Carolina called Rutherfordton. Rutherfordton.

9. There is a trend in competitive cheerleading toward group tumbling as opposed to individual stunts.

10. The yellow Power Ranger is a bad, bad dude.

I hope this will help you as you venture out to vote on November 7. Remember, an informed voter is an effective voter.

Confessions, Part 2

I may be treading in some risky water but I must tell the world (or my 2 readers, thanks Nunny) about my affinity for a controversial subject. For some this confession will be of little consequence. For others it will be like broadcasting to the world that I prefer "New Coke." It very well could change your opinion of me, but I say accept me as I am or not at all.

I like Halloween.

There, I admit it. Some of you are saying "Duh." others are saying, "How can he admit to liking such a satanic ritual?"

Many feel that Halloween is a celebration of dark and sinister things. That it is a glorification of the worst part of our society. I say it is a time when I actually get to know some of my neighbors, my kids get to have fun, and, AND my daughter handed out tracts with our candy.

Some will argue that Halloween had satanic or pagan beginnings. I really don't know, frankly , I don't care. When CocaCola was invented it had cocaine in it.

And we met some of the nicest people at our neighborhood seance(dead and alive).
Just kidding.

I'm Gonna Miss that Dog.

An era has ended.

Along with parachute pants, L.A. Gear, and Mr. T lunchboxes--
my cell phone has been retired.

Purchased originally in the year 2000, I decided last week to put O'l Yeller down.

Actually, O'l Yeller wasn't yeller anymore. She was black. You see, I found a source for when my cell phones would die I could replace it with a refurbished version just like it. The last time I had my phone replaced they couldn't get yellow ones anymore so I had to settle for a black one.

I'm gonna miss that old phone. It was from an era when phones were phones. Not these narcissistic little bundles of self expression that we have today.

Back in my day, we used the ring tone that came on the phone, and we liked it. We didn't download the latest from Terrance Trent D'arby and "Wish Me Love, Oh Wishing Well" every time somebody wanted to talk to us.

If we wanted to text message someone we would go home, sit down, and write them a letter just like everybody else.

In fact, O'l Yeller was quite a step up for me. The phone I had before that one was mounted in my truck. I would still be using that one today but when they changed our area code to 859 the cell phone company didn't have the necessary hardware to make the change. Who doesn't have 5 1/4 inch disk drives?...Come on.

Now I find myself wanting to stick out my pinky while talking on this itty-bitty metrosexual ocean blue phone. I don't answer with "Yeah" anymore, now it's scary things like "Helleau" and "Can you believe Meridith is gonna go after McDreamy and not O'Donnell?". Alas, I don't know who I am.

But I gotta admit, Tetris on a phone is pretty cool.

Holla,
Nate.

Fear and Footnoting in America

Footnotes scare me.

I majored in Construction Management and minored in Business so I admit that I avoided them greatly. I can only remember writing one paper in college. It was a masterful piece on the force vectors within a moment reaction. I can tell you that I did not get an F(only because UK used E, which I got). One reason was that I did not cite a single source. In my defense, I didn't use any. No baby, that E was all mine.

My college professors made it sound as if plagiarism is worse than murder. I was so scared to "bite"(Cube, Ice. 1989) something from someone else that I refused to use anything from someone else.

My problem with footnotes is because I never know when to or not to use them. I have been taking a Saturday class recently in which I had to write a paper. The paper was on the book "The Soul Winner" by Charles Spurgeon. It was required to cite sources.

Footnotes scare me.

I had absolutely no idea when to draw the line on footnotes. I found myself wanting to footnote the word "The" each time I used it...I mean it was in the book. Charles Spurgeon had used the word "The" countless times and I was going to use the word "The" in my paper on his book. Not to mention other words he used that I blatantly plagiarized. "A", "Is", "It", "For", and the list could go on and on.

I am such a fraud.

I actually think it is ridiculous to have to footnote anyway. I mean would anyone actually accuse me of coming up with anything? Let's face it, a blanket statement at the end of any paper that says something like, "The views, ideas, facts, similies, homilies, words, typos, considerations, misspellings, and contradictions contained in the above work are most likely the intellectual property of someone else that has lived within the last six thousand years and not necessarily that of the author,"(Cornett,N. 2006).

Well,that's all I got to say about that(Gump,F. 1994).


The thoughts, words, letters, spaces, etc. contained herein are hereby declared the intellectual property of the author and cannot be reproduced without expressed written consent...unless you give me credit in a footnote.

Emotion Breaks My Silence

This blog has been on near hiatus status for some time now. But the travesty of yesterday has forced me to speak out. I am overwhelmed with emotion. Hurt and confusion have marked the past thirty hours of my life. When you lose something foundational, as we all have, how do we not get emotional? How do we act as if nothing has happened?

Pluto is no longer a planet. Pluto is no longer a planet.

In what I can only call The Pluto Seminar a bunch of "astronomers" gathered together in Europe to cast a bunch of marbles to decide upon the planetary destiny of the small orbital we all love so.

And just like that, Mickey Mouse's dog isn't a dog anymore, he's a cat or a pluton or something.

This atronometric snobbery must be put to an end. We must stand up for the little "planets" that cannot stand for themselves. What has Pluto ever done to anyone? What's next...Jupiter's too big, Mars and Venus make corny books, Neptune is too blue.

I haven't felt this much loss since the XFL folded.

And they best leave Uranus alone.

Diction.

Words and phrases I like:

Edited it.
Erlanger
Avoidantageous
The blue crow flies at dawn
Munfordville
Ten animals I slam in a net.(read it backwards)
Graeters Black raspberry Chip
Free _________
Shasta
Pickled Eggs
Herbivore
Get in my bellay
Shwag
Spritzer (Say it with the z as a soft s, it's fun)
Polysporin
Desmond Tutu
Duchy
Bovine
That marking device is encapsulated in a celophanic membrane.
I have many leather bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.
George Pataki
Salisbury steak
Alejandro
Fah-ooo-ooo-dah
Juggernaut
StarWars/Powerstick
Chef Daddio (That's right, I cooked Christmas breakfast)
Audi 5000

What I Have Learned Recently

1. When you take your two year old to the ER with a spiral break of the femur the doctors and P.A.'s tend to look at you accusingly.

2. When you tell them that he "fell at day-care" the doctors and P.A.'s tend to look at you accusingly.

3. When Child Protective Services find out that your two year old has a spiral break of the femur and comes to interview you, the social worker tends to look at you accusingly.

4. When you tell the social worker from Child Protective Services that he "fell at day-care" she tends to look at you accusingly.

5. When you walk your two year old around the hospital while he is hopped up on valium and he giggles constantly and says stuff like "I have hands!" and "My friends are going to the party" the other folks in the hospital tend to look at you accusingly.

6. When you get home and walk your two year old around the neighborhood so he can show off his new body cast your neighbors tend to look at you accusingly.

7. When you approach your two year old, who is in a body cast, with a syringe of medicine he tends to look at you accusingly.

8. When your two year old throws up(to quote the 2 yr old "blows chunks") full of the medicine you just gave him all over you, he tends to look at you accusingly.

9. When your three year old, who is staying with his grandparents while your two year old is in the hospital, goes up to them in only his underwear and says, "You wanna hear me toot?" they tend to look at you accusingly.

10. When you blog about what your family has been through in the past few days in a lighthearted way your readers tend to....hey, quit looking at me like that.

The Duck is Dead; But That Fowl Put Up a Fight

I survived. I managed to finish the Lame Duck Try-Athlon and continue to breathe. But man was it hard. Here is what the Duck taught me.

1. I'm old, I'm fat, I'm slow.
a. I am older physically than a 72 year old man. I was beaten by nearly half an hour by a man that is seventy-freak'n-two!
b. I'm fat. I was maybe one of ten folks there with a percent body fat over 5.
c. I'm slow. Coming out of the swim I was ahead of only seven people. I thought I would make up time on the bike and run. I finished ahead of seven people.

2. I'm really slow. I finished in the bottom ten. I was beaten by a 72 year old, a 62 year old and a 14 year old girl. Seriously.

3. There is a lot of gravity in Georgetown. The hills in Mallard Point are unbelievable. Lance Armstrong could have trained for the Tour De Snooty Country there. There is no shame in walking a bike up a hill. Shut up Woodyard, there is no shame in walking a bike up a hill.

4. The residents of Mallard Point are very nice to the participants. They would have coolers of water out in there front yard and run along side of you to hand it to you. Some had hoses hooked up to spray you if you wanted. They all cheered you on. But, to be honest, the cheering started to get on my nerves. I was so slow and back in the pack that their cheers seemed almost condescending. There "you can do it's" took into an "isn't that special, that fat man is trying" type of feel. I wanted somebody to say, "Dude, your stink'n it up, speed up."

5. Oxygen is good. I went an hour and fifty four minutes with a serious oxygen debt.

6. I look good in yellow speedos. I went with the taxi cab yellow dry fit model. It's more stringy on the sides for aerodynamics. Think Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue but with part of the front hidden by a gut. Okay, so I didn't wear a speedo, actually I had the longest shorts in the race I think.

7. The truly hard core athletes are the ones whose bikes have kickstands and baby seat racks. Just like me.

8. My next tri-athlon is September 24. I encourage all to participate.

If you are into verification of statistics you can go to http://lameduck.freeservers.com/
and click on race results.

J. W. is back!!!

Everybody check out Wiley's return to the blogging world. Just hit the link to JDub on the right side of the screen.

Try-Athlon

On July 8 I will compete in my first triathlon. Compete could actually be too bold of a word. On July 8 I will drown in my first triathlon. There, that's better.

The race consists of a .53 mile swim, a 9.1 mile bike ride, and a 2.6 mile run. I have complete confidence in my ability to ride and run. The swim, not so much.

I have been going to the YMCA for weeks now getting prepared for the swim. I do not swim well. I have issues with buoyancy. My nose leaks. Basically, I can't swim. I know the aquatics director at the Y. She saw me swimming laps the other day and suggested that I enroll in her adult swim lesson class. I'd rather drown.

But I must tell you that I finally think that I have figured out the swim. All doggie paddle, all the time. I can doggie paddle for hours. It's slow, it's ugly, it's effective. I can now swim the .53 miles without stopping.

Also to prepare I have been working out, a lot. Just when I thought I could see a difference in my physique I heard this at work today. "Dang Nathan you're gett'n fat." Yeah, that guy got a raise.

So, as of right now I have 11 days to prepare for the triathlon. Consider it done.

Now, if I can only figure out what color of Speedo to wear.

Okay. Something You are Passionate About.

So I am starting to get heckled for not getting comments for up to two days. But I now realize that it was my own fault. I don't think my last post was something that my loyal readers were all that excited about. So here goes.

Today Jordan was eating waffles. While she was eating said waffles she asked me what her next post should be about(check out her newest post at www.jordancor.blogspot.com). Since she was eating waffles and looking for a post topic I told her to blog about syrup. She scoffed. She could not write about syrup. Well, I can.

I really like syrup. I like it on pancakes. I like it on waffles. I really like it when you have bacon with any of the above and you dip your bacon in the syrup. And if the syrup is warm, don't get me started.

One time, when I was little, we were at my mammaw's house and my dad actually tapped a maple tree. Drained the sap. Then my mammaw made homemade maple syrup. Mmmmm.
I have many stories I could tell you about syrup. How I used to love the Mrs. Butterworth bottle. I always wanted her to start talking to me. I love how socially conscious syrup companies have gotten; i.e. remember when Mrs. Butterworth was dressed more like a slave but now she is like wearing a business suit(maybe that was Aunt Jemimah). Or how technologically advanced syrup companies have gotten; i.e. when all the syrup bottles started putting an indicator to let you know when your syrup was just the right temperature in the microwave.

But my all time favorite syrup story definitely trumps all the above. About a year ago Betty fixed breakfast for dinner(I love when she does that). Anyway, she fixed pancakes and bacon(great combo). After fixing the bacon she poured all the bacon grease into a cup(why do people save that?). A little while later in strolls Jordan. She fixes her pancakes and pours her "syrup" from the cup on the stove. Now why Jordan thought her mother would pour a half a cup of syrup and leave it on the stove I do not know. But anyway Jordan got a dose of Betty's Homemade Bacon Grease Syrup. Mmmmm. Smooth going down.

There. I blogged on syrup. I hope I sparked your passion.

Maybe I need some new friends.

Two of Betty and my best friends are Matt and Stephanie. They used to be in our Bible study class but then they sold out and got married. So they became some of our married friends. But I have noticed that hanging around with them may not be good for my ego.

Let's start at the beginning.

Shortly after Matt and Steph got married I got a call from Steph. She was in hysterics. She could not talk for laughing. It seems that they had been watching an episode of The Andy Griffith Show when it hit her that I was the re-embodiment of Andy Taylor. Something about the way I talk reminds her of the sex symbol sheriff. Lovely.

Some time later our friend Jill was in a car wreck and in the hospital in Louisville. So Steph, Matt, Betty, Banks, and I went to Louisville to see her. While we were there the nurse came in to help Jill up. She asked Matt and I to leave the room for a little bit. So we took Banks, who was less than a year old, and went out in the hall. Matt held Banks, I held the baby bag. About that time a lady rounds the corner and almost bumps into us. She sees Matt holding the baby and me holding the diaper bag. She proceeds to give us a look of absolute disgust and walks off down the hall mumbling about us. Lovely.

But the one that takes the cake happened this past Wednesday. Matt and I had gone to the hospital to see another friend. While we were there we started talking with a guy in the lobby. After a few minutes the guy says to me while pointing at Matt, "Is this your son?" At first I thought he was kidding so I just laughed. But again I hear, "Is he your son?" He was serious. He was asking if my friend Matt was my son. He was asking if my 30 year old friend was my son. I am 32. Matt is 30. I was born in 1973. Matt was born in 1976. "Is he your son?" 32. 30. Matt's dad is in his late 50's. I am 32. Matt's son is a year old. I am 32. "Is this your son?" Lovely.

Now, I can deal with the fact that I remind people of Andy Taylor. I can sort of deal with the fact that I remind some lady in Louisville of Elton John. But I cannot deal with the fact that I remind people more of Matlock than Andy Taylor. I am even getting calls from Matt's wife demanding child support payment for the time they have been married. Lovely.

Assignment: Vacation

I had a friend in college(no joke) that when he would go on vacation he would load up on mundane, one dollar or cheaper souvenirs. He did this so that upon his return when someone would ask, "What did you bring me?" he could say, "I saw this spoon with Nags Head on it and thought of you." I always thought it was kind of a waste because I never had any problem saying "nothing" when the question was posed to me. This all changed when my friend once took a trip to some place that I cannot remember. When he returned I asked, as a joke, "what did you get me?" Without hesitation he replied, "This previously viewed copy of Uncle Buck." I still have that tape and it warms my heart to think that when he was in "Everything's-a-Dollar" in Somewhere, USA he thought of me.

That brings me to my assignment for you. I don't travel very much. I want schwag. Since many of you are traveling some this summer (sPotts and sFost this weekend, ahem) I want you to bring me something back. No expense is necessary but appreciated. It could be a napkin that says "Nashville" or a 2007 Chevy Avalanche with Myrtle Beach license plates. Anything, I just want something from where you are going. Shameless, maybe. Sad, maybe. Nathan, totally.

The person that brings back the most creative souvenir will be given props on this blogsite. Now what other incentive could you need?

** Official Contest Rules **
-This contest does not expire or stop. Just keep bringing me stuff.
-Submissions are not tax deductible and become the property of the Elementary Intersocial Volition staff
-Bribes are accepted

Visuals

Where did our boat go?



(below)I see the keys!
<-Sarah, before her cheeks were red.


<- The correct way to base jump(sort of) off Foster's Rock. Above is action self portrait of artist base jumping(sort of) off Foster's Rock.

My Observations as a Waterman

1. Only the coolest people hold their nose when they jump in(or fall in) the river.

2. The literary choices of rafting(aka farting) guides would be considered offensive to church groups.

3. Tree branches are not good means of holding a smore over a fire. It is too hard to get them through the graham cracker without breaking it. Some people actually like to heat the marshmallow and then put it on the cracker. Wierdos.

4. Speck's....laugh....is....the....best....laugh....I....have....ever....heard....wait-for-it...

5. When jumping into a river from an elevation over fifteen feet the two best means of entry are either a seated or face first position. Smack.

6. The actual lyrics to Pat Benatar's "Heartbreaker" are:
Youre a heartbreaker
Dream maker, love taker
Dont you mess around with me!
Youre a heartbreaker
Dream maker, love taker
Dont you mess around - no no no!

There is no "Salt Shaker" in it.

7. "Farners" can't work car alarms.

8. When a sign says "Rafting Adventures Ahead" and has an arrow pointing to the left it doesn't mean go straight...it means go left.

9. In Fayetteville, WV everything is going on at The Foodland. Everything.

10. If you lose a tooth while in West Virginia you get automatic residency status.

11. You can skip a rock on water. It is harder to skip a rock off a raft guide.

12. Never, under any circumstances, put Luhkneeuhh in charge of the keys.

13. Sadly, the driver is just "the help."

Gauley, That's a Big Rapid!

I've gone white water rafting.
I hope I live to post again.

Nate "Class V" Cornett.
Nate "Won't Scream Like a Girl" Cornett.
Nate "Doesn't need the first aid kit or inhaler his wife packed" Cornett.

Nathonics (or Nath')

It seems to me that our world is 'bout to clear all use of words with two or more sylls' from our speech. It seems most use words like "what 'ev" and "'sich" to keep just with one syll'. This scares me 'cause I think words with two or more sylls' are ness' to our speech. Have we come to the point in our world where we are too bus' to use more than one syll'? Slow down my peeps, have joy in your sylls'. Life is too hard to spend it with just one syll' words. This mode of talk can lead to probs like not get point of talk. One word's first syll' might sound like that of diff' word's first syll' and change the point you want to make. When you see a friend on the street do you smile and say "hell'"? That might hurt your friend's heart and make them not glad. To close I would just like to say that I hope you will keep the use of two or more syll' words in our speech 'cause it is too hard to just speak or blog with just one syll' words.

Sin_ _ _ _ _ _,(See?)
Nate

A Little More of What I Have Learned

1. When you blog about Golden Corral it seems to spark passion in people. In fact that is the only reason I included it here.

2. That either my daughter is especially mature or I am especially immature. It seems we are starting to share the same peer group. I met some of my friends at my daughter's softball game Monday. After the game she went out to eat with some of her friends. They were all the same people. Maybe it's not about me or her, maybe our friends are schizo(no offense, and no offense).

3. Wes C. cracks me up. He could blog professionally(I, however, intend to maintain my amateur status so I can blog in the Olympics).

4. From 1977 to present day there have been not less than eight people killed in rafting/kayaking accidents on the Gauley River in West Virginia. Many of whom were listed as "Experienced."

5. Losing your gut at age 32 is much more difficult than not having one at age 26. Warning to all: Food tastes much better after age 26.

6. The oatmeal at Frisch's it not nearly as good as Bob Evans.

7. There is something about riding a bicycle that make people think you are a wimp. On separate occasions I have had a tennis ball and a football thrown at me. Of course it didn't enter my mind to retaliate(WWJD?); and perhaps I am a wimp.

8. The lexicon is expanding faster than my mind. What does "'sich" mean?

9. Many of the blogs I encounter contain deep theological statements and observations. Now mine does too.

10. The new voting machines look like Paul Bunyon's Palm Pilot.