Elementary Intersocial Volition

"One/ThirdLife"

2008-02-26T22:15:00.005-05:00

I am currently watching the television debut of the series "Quarterlife." The show follows six "creative" people in their twenties through the videoblog of a young lady named Dylan. The show has apparently gathered a following through episodes on the Internet. I am watching almost as research. My wife and I teach the quarterlife age group Bible study at our church and I am hoping to further my knowledge of the twenty-something condition. Apparently I have forgotten quite a bit in my four years of absence from that demographic.

I do believe, however, that there is need for a similar show for folks my age. So, this is my attempt to garner a web following that will eventually lead to my own television series. First of all my show will not be based on a videoblog...let's just say that I have a face for the written blog. Second, I don't own a digital camcorder so even if I were purty I would have a hard time proving that to you.

Let's get started.

Title: Originally "One/ThirdLife" was the title. This presents a problem. I am currently 34 years of age. 34 x 3 = 102. Now, that is an age that I could possibly live to but at my current rate of McDonald's consumption and UV ray exposure it is most unlikely. Additionally I doubt my kids much like the idea of changing my diapers as her retirement pastime. Using the average American male life expectancy of 74 years and dividing my age by that number the title could be "Forty-Five-Point-Nine-Percent-Life" but, quite frankly, it is depressing realizing that my life is that close to half over. So back to "One/Third Life" and Jordan and the boys will just have to live with the diaper changes. Will this upset them?...Depends.(I completely stole that joke from my brother-in-law...Listen to him on "The Show with No Name" weekdays on 630 WLAP from 3pm to 6pm).

Episode I: Our protagonist (we'll call him Nathan) documents his life and the the lives of those he loves on his blog. He tells of things such as he and his wife getting a baby-sitter(thanks Boppy) so they can go out on a date only to realize that they are exhausted and are more than happy to return home by 9:30(you're welcome Boppy). It will also tell of the adventures of parenthood including such things as the youngest son getting potty-trained(his third grade teacher is going to be so excited!). The show will include scenes of the ensemble cast sitting around discussing life much like on "Quarterlife" and previously seen on "Friends." The difference being instead of a trendy coffee house the witty banter will take place at the mall play area or at Chuck E. Cheese's. The conversation will not include dating exploits but will cover more practical aspects of life such as good places to download coupons and the dread of impending prostate examinations (I got six years).

Time Slot: I think this show should air in conjunction with "Quarterlife." The problem being that if "One/ThirdLife" comes on after "Quarterlife" (as would make sense chronologically) most of the one/third-lifers will probably already be in bed. So I think it should come on at 9pm with "Quarterlife" following at ten.

The Moral: Each "One/ThirdLife" episode will end with Nathan blogging about being completely elated with his lot in life. He would realize that many of the characters on "Quarterlife" would make fun of his thirtysomething lifestyle(yeah, we own a mini-van)...would he care...nope...would he trade with them...no way...does he miss that stage of life...a little...what does he miss most?...metabolism.

Tripp'n on a Hole in a Paper What?

2008-01-10T21:41:00.000-05:00

My boys love video games. Now quit your judging, it's not what you think. My boys love to watch other people play video games. Namely, they like to watch ol' dad play video games. It started with Scooby-Doo, then Mario, Sonic, Cars, and now....Guitar Hero.

It started innocent enough, I wanted to secretly practice Guitar Hero so I could challenge my daughter. The boys were going to "help." I did not know what a monster I was creating. I now have metal-loving, head banging, air guitar playing sons that are obsessed with Guitar Hero.

The Evidence:
A) The boys get out their own guitars and play along with me while I play the game -- not overly concerning...in fact it's pretty cute.
B) The boys now sing along with the songs and grunt along with the guitar riffs -- a little disconcerting when you hear your three year old belt out some Guns n Roses.
C) Now when you speak of something being difficult to do the boys refer to that activity as "Having orange in it." That is a reference to the hardest level of Guitar hero having orange notes that you have to play -- Really sad, makes me think of when UK has to play UT this year, hard.
D) I made the mistake of cluing the boys in to the fact that I had the Stone Temple Pilots' song "Tripping on a Hole in a Paper Heart" on my Ipod. Every song of every truck ride is now completely filled with this song...along with the boys bang'n heads and strumm'n the air guitar in addition to singing each word at the top of their lungs.
E) So, I took the boys to see "Alvin and the Chipmunks" the other day. Every time the Chipmunks would start singing my boys would hop into the aisle and hold their hands over their heads, not acting like they were playing air guitar, but acting like they were playing Guitar Hero -- in the absence of a Guitar Hero guitar this looks very strange (picture moving your fingers like you were playing the keyboard but an invisible one that is above your head).
F) Sunday night the boys and I were sitting in church. I am standing and singing a praise song when I notice the boys moving. I look down to see my boys, again not strumming an air guitar but, alas, waving their fingers over their head(I don't know why they play the guitar over their head, they just do), pretending to have a Guitar Hero guitar in their hands. I was amused...the folks around me were worried. It looked like my sons had flat lost their minds...or gotten the Holy Ghost.

Frankly, I blame their mother. I gotta go, I want to play Free Bird before the boys have to go to bed.

Poli-Sci

2008-01-04T21:51:00.000-05:00

I need your help. For the last two weeks I have heard nothing but news about the Iowa Caucuses. Huckabee and Obama won, but what is a caucus? How does it work? Why does Kentucky have a caucus that doesn't matter? Why doesn't it matter? Who came up with the name "Caucus?" Why is it so fun to say "Caucuses?" Why isn't the plural called "Caucuii?" Iowa, seriously?

These are the questions I have. I need your help in getting them answered. Now don't go and look it up and then just answer from that....that's boring. I want answers off the top of your head. Colby Adams, I don't know if you even read this blog but I bet you could answer. Anyone else that knows please chime in. Points will be given for creativity.

1969

2007-12-18T19:42:00.000-05:00

The year 1969 has often been spoken of as one of the best (and worst) years on record. Many wonderful and dubious things happened in that year of four decades ago. That was the year the Gap opened for business. It was the year Wal-Mart incorporated. Woodstock was held in New York.

Many of us that are not from that decade often don't realize what all happened in 1969. On July 20 of that year our proud nation was the first to reach the moon. John Lennon married Yoko Ono...they were evidently famous for some reason during that decade...I wouldn't know...I wasn't born in that decade.

On closer inspection I believe more "strange" things happened in 1969 than perhaps any other year, ever. The Brady Bunch made its television debut. The very first ATM was put into use. The Football War was fought between El Salvador and Honduras when fights after a soccer game led to a war, seriously. The Manson Family. Chappaquiddick. Canada adds French as an official language in addition to English. Hee-Haw debuts. The Nixon administration begins.
This is just a tip of the ice-berg of all the strange events of the second to last year of the sixties.

There was also a plethora of "interesting" people born in MCMLXIX. Marilyn Manson, Bobby Brown, Mariah Carey, Nate Dogg(the rapper, not me, I was not born in that decade), Sean "P-Diddy-Puff-Daddy-Puffy" Combs, Matthew "Anti-Anti-Perspirant" McConaughey, and Jay-Kay (lead singer of Jamiroquai).

The point is this...there were so many strange things and interesting people born in that year that I wonder what was going on. Was there solar flares? Unusual gravitational phenomena?There was a lot of drug use. May be that was it.

It is time for us, as Americans, to look back on history. Even history that seems so far away. Back to a time when television was only sporatically in color. We owe it to those that were born in that decade so long ago.

Here are some other folks that were born in the decade: aging bachelor George Clooney, Seventies T.V. star Eddie Murphy, and presidential candidate Barak Obama. All from the sixties.

The children of the sixties need our help.

Happy Birthday Baybuh. 12/18/You Guess the Year.

Ps. I was not born during that decade.

See Dog Run

2007-11-24T10:40:00.000-05:00

Dave Blake has created a monster. Okay, he didn't create it, but through his blog he has definitely introduced me to one. This website that tells you the reading level of your blog absolutely amazes me. Not to brag but as you are reading this you are reading at the collegiate undergrad level. Simply stated reading this blog is like reading a Calculus book...wow, there is some fun reading.

That said, I have spent the last couple of days truly pondering the reading level of my blog. A prideful part of me wants to amp it up...to drop some diction if you will. Dave stated that a couple of the blogs he tested on the site came back as collegiate post-grad reading levels...show offs. I ran another friend of mine's blog and his came back at a genius reading level...I don't understand this because his posts have never made any sense to me.

Another part of me wants to "keep the cookies on the bottom shelf" if you will. I want people to feel comfortable when they read this blog. Thinking back to my collegiate reading days does not relax me...getting letters suggesting that I think of other possible majors other than Engineering, or other letters suggesting possibly trying a different college all together, or Failing "Statics" only to retake it and barely get a "D"...these are not what I want people to be reminded of when they read this college level reading blog.

But, I also have no reservations about admitting that I am definitely the dullest crayon in the tool shed. The folks that read this blog are intellectual and I don't want to insult them by writing below their level. What to do...What to do...

Well, anyway, here's my newest post:

Betty set up our Christmas tree. After much consternation and deliberation she ultimately decided to install a tree of a brummagem and humanly produced nature. The tree is pretty. She has compiled various accessories which are decorative and sentimental to furbelow and bedizen our ersatz pinus strobus. She hung them on the tree. The adornments include vestiges such as "Elvis Pressley clad in splendiferous accouterments commonly associated with the mid 1970's" and "Yoda donned in a millenery similar to that attributed to Saint Nicholas." Yoda is funny. Our canine finds consuming said baubles quite piquant and this acerbates my helpmeet to the point of near assassination. See dog run.

Read your own level.

Jive Turkey of the Week Award

2007-11-09T23:21:00.000-05:00

So the ol'lady had a hen party tonight (my lovely wife had some friends over for the evening). To help make that possible I took the boys out for a while. We decided to go to the mall...see their sister, get some grub, and hit the play area. While there I realized who should receive the First Annual Jive Turkey of the Week award. It's the folks that constantly harass you as you walk from Dip'nDots to Auntie Anne's to Chick-fil-A to Great American Cookie Company to Williams Sonoma for free samples to Tropical Smoothie to Godiva for free samples to Sonic back to Williams Sonoma for more free samples and finally to GNC for some whey protein(gotta keep my swole on). The workers at the kiosks won't let you pass without trying to get you to stop and hear their pitch. This is not a problem for some. They can blow them off without any problem. It's not so easy for me. For whatever reason I feel the need to listen to half their pitch before I finally say "no thank you" and move on.

Well, tonight I had finally had enough. As I was walking past Williams Sonoma (trying to look left-handed this time so they wouldn't think I had gotten samples before) a dude grabs me by the arm and asks me if I would like a Mallssage. I had had it. I spun around quickly, looked the guy straight in the eye and said "Step off me you Jive Turkey!" It was wonderful...three people around me actually applauded. The manager of Williams Sonoma gave me a double sample of peppermint bark, and the dude at the Dell kiosk(they leave you alone, almost to a fault) just looked at me and tearfully whispered "Thank you." Even the guy who had offered the Mallssage apologized and told me he was going to look for a different job. Secretly I felt as if I may have overreacted, but the reaction of those around encouraged me to think differently. I had to do it. That gave me the idea for this award.

So here's to you Mr. and Ms. Overly Pushy Kiosk at the Mall Worker. You are the First Annual Jive Turkey of Week.

Far From Home

2007-11-03T17:08:00.000-04:00

I've never blogged from a foreign country before. This is pretty cool. The people speak English but it seems to be local custom to dress in a funky orange color. They also like to sing some strange song about rocks on a mountian or something. Strange, yet entertaining.

Well, I must sign out.
World Traveller
Nathan Cornett
From MTSU Library
Murfreesboro, TN

Jive Turkey

2007-10-31T13:16:00.000-04:00

Years ago there was a death in the American-English lexicon. It happened slowly, so slowly that it was not noticed. In our indifference we Americans allowed an important phrase to not only slip into obscurity but to near extinction. Anthropolically speaking to allow such a phrase to disappear is to do a disservice to the generations to come.

This past weekend our street had a block party. Some friends from church stopped by. While in conversation with them I mentioned that it was my aim to return "Jive Turkey" to the english language. They looked at me blankly and responded, "Jive Turkey, what is that?" Now these friends are less than ten years younger than myself but have not had the oppurtunity to meet a friend and greet them with "What it is, you jive turkey?" How sad for them.

Wikipedia defines the phrase as follows: "Jive turkey was a derogatory slang word in African American Vernacular English. It usually indicates someone who, despite his pretense, is a fool or, more often, a swindler." (notice they use "was")

While this may have been the case in its earliest etymologies I believe the phrase morphed into a more familiar, lovingly derogatory phrase. Actually I believe it took on the meaning of its context. Similarly to "Dude" of the late nineties and early 2000's.

Jive Turkey was made known to all of America by its use in classic television shows of the late 1970's. George Jefferson used it often, The Sweathogs used it, and who could forget Fred Sanford's use of the phrase with Lamont and Grady.

I turned 6 years of age in September of 1979. By that time "Jive Turkey" was definitely on its way out. So, I am sad to say that I never got to utter the phrase while it was truly popular to say.

Come forward a few years. I am in college at the University of Kentucky. A friend of mine at Purdue hears the phrase (I don't remember where) and loves it. He decides he is gonna bring it back. He briefly uses the phrase in his conversations and emails but gives up after numerous funny looks and responses.

Jive Turkey flies under the radar once again. It revives as a concept from time to time with the naming of a band, a goofy dance, even a restaurant devoted to fried turkey. But, alas, it never makes it back into the lexicon as it was in the late 70's.

That brings us to today. It is my goal to return Jive Turkey to the level of use it enjoyed while J.J. Evans was painting pictures in Chicago. I have mentioned it in the past on this blog, but now I want to start a movement. Can you imagine the joy we will all share when McDreamy turns to McSteamy and says "Hand me that scapel you jive turkey."

So my challenge to you is to use the phrase. Use it often, but remember use it responsibly. I welcome any stories of its use to be catalogued here in the comments section of this blog. Do it for Rerun and the whole What's Happening gang.

EIV Endorsements

2007-10-28T23:21:00.000-04:00

The readership of this blog is estimated at around five hits per day. Since that is approaching the readership of all non-sports sections of the Lexington-Herald Leader we here at EIV feel it is time to start including endorsements for general elections.

Governor:
Governor Ernie Fletcher v. Steve Beshear - in spite of my wife's crush on Beshear's running mate, Dan Mongiardo, I am going to have to go with the incumbent. Frankly, Beshear and Mongiardo just give me the heebie-jeebies--would one of you answer a question, any question, please.

Attorney General:
Jack Conway v. Stan Lee - Stan Lee's mustache is AWESOME! I can only hope that he will win and thereby inspire scores of Kentucky men to sport the Magnum P.I. look once again. I just wish he would do one campaign commercial sitting in a Ferarri 308GT.

Secretary of State:
Bruce Hendrickson v. Trey Grayson - I thought Condoleezza Rice was appointed by the president? So confused.

State Auditor:
Crit Luallen v. Linda Greenwell - Here is proof that the lottery didn't help education (nor will legalized gambling in casinos): What the heck is a state auditor? Since both candidates lack mustache appeal I must go on the issues. The main issue is this: It it just plain fun to say "Luallen." Come on try it...."Luallen." Priceless. I would give anything if her first name were "Suellen."

State Treasurer:
Todd Hollenbach v. Melinda Wheeler - Remember when Fayette Mall had a drug store in it? It was called Treasury Drugs. It was so handy. It was right across from York Steak House. I loved Yorks, great cheesecake. Now my favorite drug store is Wheeler Pharmacy, great cheeseburgers. There you have it...Melinda Wheeler for State Treasurer.

Commissioner of Agriculture:
David Lynn Williams v. Richie Farmer - While I generally can't vote against a three-named
candidate Richie's got Stan Lee Appeal. The 'stache trumps 3-names any day.

There you go. I have done the research so you don't have to.

Don't Waste Your Time Here...

2007-09-04T22:33:00.000-04:00

Go read this.

I'm Kore (Its NateSlang for "Hard Core")

2007-05-25T22:30:00.001-04:00

I admit it, I'm a pretty hard-core outdoors man. I own a tent. I used to own a Jeep. I've read "Into Thin Air" and "Walden." Heck, I subscribe to "Outside" magazine. I got a gift certificate to J&H Outdoor store for Christmas. I own a pair of Keen shoes. I've killed a three point buck. I think you get the point. Yeah, I'm kore.

Tomorrow I'm going rock climbing in the New River Gorge. People keep asking me to be their belayer. It's cause I'm kore. They say I have the gift of gravity. When they are hanging off that cliff they want me on the other end of that rope. It's cause I'm kore.

The way I see it, I'm a natural born rock climber. I was made for elevation. When I was in college I worked at Ball Homes. One day they asked me to climb a pretty tall ladder. I looked my boss straight in the eye and said, "Dude, I like my job but I will quit and go home before I climb that eight foot step ladder."

The way I see it, I'm a natural born belayer also. I wear size 38 pants. I can eat two Big Macs at one setting. I love biscuits and gravy. Yeah, I have the gift of gravity. And I'm kore.

Anchor.

Timex Social Club

2007-03-28T14:21:00.000-04:00

I like Tubby Smith. I think Lexington will miss Tubby Smith. But I gotta say, I think it should be state law that the University of Kentucky change basketball coaches every 5 to 10 years. That's right, I am in favor of basketball coach term limits.

This is not because I think the university or its basketball program will need a change that often. I think term limits are necessary because it is fun. I have absolutely enjoyed the past few days of Kentucky Basketball Excitement. We've needed it. So, in the tradition of rivals.com(catspause.com) and kentuckysportsradio.com I have decided to become a news outlet for the open coaching position at the University of Kentucky.

Here is what my "sources" tell me:
* Billy Donovan was spotted last night at HomeGoods picking out floral arrangements to go on the new entertainment center he purchased from Value City Furniture for the home he and his wife purchased in an historic downtown Lexington neighborhood.

* The entertainment center was said to be Kentucky Blue and would fit a 72" plasma television.

* The flowers were artificial replicas of Kentucky wildflowers and were thought to match perfectly with the carpet the Donovans purchased around the corner at The Flooring Gallery.

* Current Texas A&M coach Billy Gillispie was seen last night at the IHOP on New Circle Rd. He was having a tall order of Cini-stacks with a large OJ and bacon. Directly across the table from Gillispie was none other than Bill Keightley. The two were said to be discussing the layout of Gillispie's new office.

* Gonzaga coach Mark Few was seen last night in the New Balance store off Woodhill drive. Few was said to be purchasing a pair of trail running shoes and told the clerk that he would be running on the trails in Veterans Park since he had recently purchased a house in Hartland.

This is where the story gets even more unbelievable, literally:
* At approximately 8:30 pm the Donovans left HomeGoods and decided to have some pizza and fun and the nearby Chuck-E-Cheeze. Sources say the Donovans love air hockey.

* At approximately 8:34 pm IHOP patrons overheard Bill Keightley challenge Billy Gillespie to some DDR at a nearby arcade and pizza establishment. The two left, assumed to be going to said establishment.

* At approximately 8:37 pm Mark Few checked out of the New Balance store with a pair of New Balance 702 Trail Runners. He commented that he had amassed over 14,000 ski-ball tickets and was about to trade them in on a giant stuffed wildcat with giant plastic sunglasses and a blue sweater. He then left the store.

* At approximately 8:58 pm it is said that Donovan, Gillispie, and Few came face to face inside Chuck-E-Cheeze. Words were exchanged and before Keightley could intervene a fight broke out. No serious injuries were reported except for the robotic bass player in the band that lost its right arm. The three coaches were arrested and booked on charges of disorderly conduct and 2nd degree assault.

* At 12:14 am the three coaches were bailed out of jail by one Eddie Sutton. Coach Sutton said being at the LFUCG brought back fond/fuzzy memories of Lexington.

* Sources inside the University of Kentucky tell us that Nolan Barger will be named coach of the University of Kentucky Wildcats on Tuesday. Barger, the former coach of Tates Creek High School, has been working as a real estate appraiser.

Disclaimer: If you were born after 1979 or have a bad memory you should probably Google "Timex Social Club."

Why I Haven't Been Posting.

2007-03-03T13:04:00.000-05:00

The past few months have been a whirlwind. I can hardly tell up from down. I have been preparing for a mission that I have kept secret from most of you for over a year now. But as the days fly by and I get closer and closer to departure I find myself growing nervous. If I have been short with any of you lately I apologize, but I think you will soon understand.

On March 14th I will be leaving for Nepal. I will be gone for the next three months. I will climb Everest.

For months now I have been travelling back and forth between Kentucky, Colorado, and Alaska as I prepare to enter the thin air of the Himalayans. I have had to get a passport and hundreds of shots, not to mention countless hours of rock and ice climbing on various mountains outside of Denver, plus the weekend jaunt to Mt. McKinley. Frankly I am exhausted. Yet so excited I can hardly contain myself. During this time I have hardly worked...thank you Betty for keeping up with the job issues. Climb all week, home on the weekends.

So, as of today the arrangements are final. On Wednesday the 14th I will fly from Cincinnati to Paris, have a twenty hour layover, and then on to Kathmandu, Nepal. There I will meet up with my expedition group, Himalayan Ascents, Inc. We will spend two days resting and acclimating in a lodge just outside of Kathmandu. From there it will be a two week trek through inner Nepal to the Everest Base Camp. That is where the fun begins. We will spend countless hours acclimating to the altitude. Each breath will be work. This will continue for nearly six weeks as we travel up the mountain and then down again. Finally we will make our summit push somewhere around the 10th of May(if the weather cooperates).

I cannot imagine the feeling I am going to have when I see Everest for the first time. I am also excited because there will be an IMAX expedition on the mountain at the same time. They are filming a movie of two Sherpas that are plotting a new route to the summit.

I just hope I can reach the top.

Show and Tell or Show and Fail?

2007-01-09T22:00:00.000-05:00

When our oldest son was about a year old we went to a get-together at some friends' house. There were a few couples there, all with children around a year old. After dinner we were talking with each other and as often happens the conversation hit a lull. Trying to break the silence I facetiously asked, "So, have yall started looking into preschools yet?" Hoping to get a small laugh, it was to my horror that I had sparked a serious conversation. It turned out that my wife and I were the only couple who had not toured preschools and were not currently trying to teach our child to drool in a fashion that Over Priced PreSchool Academy would be impressed by. I wrote it off as over-excitement on some new parents' parts.

Fast forward a few years later. It is now time to make some important decisions about this young'n's future. Now, I did not realize this, but it is possible to take a full grown adults current socio-economic position and determine the kindergarten they attended. Basically all this "get into a good college" mumbo jumbo is just that. Mumbo jumbo. The Ivy League ain't where it's at. True success is in the fat crayons and playdough. Where you learned to tie your shoes will ultimately determine what kind of shoes you can wear.

My wife has been looking into different Kindered options of intellectual stimulation for weeks now. She truly is looking for the right place for our son to go. So, when my mouth-breathing, ignorant self suggested "What difference does it make? It's Kindergarten." You would have thought I had just asked for some ketchup to put on my fillet mignon(I've gotten that look before).

We are not unique in our dilemma. This problem is industry-wide with parents of 4 year olds. I have even started to notice pack mentality within these mothers of 4 year olds. I hear icily whispered conversations with each other on the phone ending in things like, "If we don't choose wisely they may end up like...like...them," as I feel the scowl burning me.

But I gotta be honest, if I hear one more kindergarten teacher boast about the benefits of their non-Euclidean geometry curriculum I am gonna scream. Whatever happened to gold stars for not picking your nose for twenty minutes?

Well, I gotta go, it's 10:50 pm and I gotta get Junior brushed up on his interview skills.

While we are on the subject, does anyone know of a good AAU basketball team for my two year old?

Help.

2006-12-21T12:29:00.000-05:00

"Stomach Bacteria Tied to Obesity" -- studies say one type seems to help perpetuate weight gain.

This is the lead headline on the front page of the Lexington Herald-Leader today.

Now, I am not one to usually play the victim role but it is quite obvious to me that I have fallen victim to this horrible bacterium over the past few years.

I have even narrowed it down to the places that I think I may have contracted this bug. I am fairly certain it came from one of the following: McDonalds, Wendy's, Burger King, Little Caesers, Graeters Ice Cream, Moe's, Chick-Fil-A, and/or the lunch counter at Wheeler Pharmacy. Being that I eat at one or more of these places multiple times a day I am fairly certain I have been exposed.

This exposure can be confirmed when you look at a few interesting facts:
1) Weight - 232 lbs. This is a personal best.
2) Chest - 44 inches
Stomach - 44 inches
Waist - 43 inches
3) Chins - 2
4) Resting Heart Rate - 90

Now, the question is, "What can I do about this infection?" In our lawsuit happy culture I think I would have a case to sue for about a bizillion dollars. But again, I am not one to play the victim role. So, I plan to take the Kirstie Alley approach. Recently she vowed to go on Oprah in a bikini and she used that as incentive to lose weight. Granted, I am not just trying to lose weight I am fighting a deadly biological infection but I think this may work...with your help.

After recovering from this infection I hope to weigh less than 200 lbs. I plan on weighing 216 or less by the end of June and 200 or less by the end of 2007. I hearby vow to post a picture of me sans shirt if either of the two milestones are not met.

Now, I realize this is something none of you want to see(ask Betty). So the responsibility is yours. If you see me doing things such as taking elevators, parking close at Golden Corral, or eating food you have the right, no, you have the duty to call me out on it. Help me fight this bacteria.

Jordan thinks I should post "before" pictures because she wouldn't be at all embarrassed. But I just don't think that is necessary--just picture an unfortunately named bad guy in the last two Austin Powers movies.

I will update you periodically on my progress on my blob...I mean blog.

Election Day is November 7th.

2006-11-05T14:25:00.000-05:00

With Election Day coming Tuesday I wanted to give you all something to think about before you go to the polling places.

1. Famous Amos was a record exec. that helped sign Marvin Gaye and Simon and Garfunkel before he became the famous cookie man.

2. One of my sons has a shirt that reads "Varsity Chess Team, Check Yo' self." We can only dream.

3. There is an urban legend about a lady that administers driving tests here in Lexington. This woman is rumored to be the meanest organism ever to live. It seems this lady could be serving our military on covert missions, earning a living as a mercenary in Boliva, or scaring sixteen year olds in Lexington. Evidently she chose the latter.

4. The Fudruckers on Hilton Head Island closes at 9:30 pm sharp. Don't even ask for an exception.

5. The Chevrolet Aveo is made by Daewoo and sold in S. Korea as the Daewoo Kalos.

6. We did not get a single mini-roll of lifesavers in this years Halloween booty. We got some packs of two livesavers packaged individually, but no mini-rolls. If that fact doesn't get out the vote I don't know what will.

7. If you bite wint-o-green livesavers in a dark room it will make a spark inside your mouth. Technically, if you bite wint-o-green livesavers in a lighted room it will also make a spark but you will be less likely to believe me.

8. There is a town in South Carolina called Rutherfordton. Rutherfordton.

9. There is a trend in competitive cheerleading toward group tumbling as opposed to individual stunts.

10. The yellow Power Ranger is a bad, bad dude.

I hope this will help you as you venture out to vote on November 7. Remember, an informed voter is an effective voter.

Confessions, Part 2

2006-10-31T20:22:00.000-05:00

I may be treading in some risky water but I must tell the world (or my 2 readers, thanks Nunny) about my affinity for a controversial subject. For some this confession will be of little consequence. For others it will be like broadcasting to the world that I prefer "New Coke." It very well could change your opinion of me, but I say accept me as I am or not at all.

I like Halloween.

There, I admit it. Some of you are saying "Duh." others are saying, "How can he admit to liking such a satanic ritual?"

Many feel that Halloween is a celebration of dark and sinister things. That it is a glorification of the worst part of our society. I say it is a time when I actually get to know some of my neighbors, my kids get to have fun, and, AND my daughter handed out tracts with our candy.

Some will argue that Halloween had satanic or pagan beginnings. I really don't know, frankly , I don't care. When CocaCola was invented it had cocaine in it.

And we met some of the nicest people at our neighborhood seance(dead and alive).
Just kidding.

I'm Gonna Miss that Dog.

2006-09-27T21:34:00.000-04:00

An era has ended.

Along with parachute pants, L.A. Gear, and Mr. T lunchboxes--
my cell phone has been retired.

Purchased originally in the year 2000, I decided last week to put O'l Yeller down.

Actually, O'l Yeller wasn't yeller anymore. She was black. You see, I found a source for when my cell phones would die I could replace it with a refurbished version just like it. The last time I had my phone replaced they couldn't get yellow ones anymore so I had to settle for a black one.

I'm gonna miss that old phone. It was from an era when phones were phones. Not these narcissistic little bundles of self expression that we have today.

Back in my day, we used the ring tone that came on the phone, and we liked it. We didn't download the latest from Terrance Trent D'arby and "Wish Me Love, Oh Wishing Well" every time somebody wanted to talk to us.

If we wanted to text message someone we would go home, sit down, and write them a letter just like everybody else.

In fact, O'l Yeller was quite a step up for me. The phone I had before that one was mounted in my truck. I would still be using that one today but when they changed our area code to 859 the cell phone company didn't have the necessary hardware to make the change. Who doesn't have 5 1/4 inch disk drives?...Come on.

Now I find myself wanting to stick out my pinky while talking on this itty-bitty metrosexual ocean blue phone. I don't answer with "Yeah" anymore, now it's scary things like "Helleau" and "Can you believe Meridith is gonna go after McDreamy and not O'Donnell?". Alas, I don't know who I am.

But I gotta admit, Tetris on a phone is pretty cool.

Holla,
Nate.

Fear and Footnoting in America

2006-09-12T17:34:00.000-04:00

Footnotes scare me.

I majored in Construction Management and minored in Business so I admit that I avoided them greatly. I can only remember writing one paper in college. It was a masterful piece on the force vectors within a moment reaction. I can tell you that I did not get an F(only because UK used E, which I got). One reason was that I did not cite a single source. In my defense, I didn't use any. No baby, that E was all mine.

My college professors made it sound as if plagiarism is worse than murder. I was so scared to "bite"(Cube, Ice. 1989) something from someone else that I refused to use anything from someone else.

My problem with footnotes is because I never know when to or not to use them. I have been taking a Saturday class recently in which I had to write a paper. The paper was on the book "The Soul Winner" by Charles Spurgeon. It was required to cite sources.

Footnotes scare me.

I had absolutely no idea when to draw the line on footnotes. I found myself wanting to footnote the word "The" each time I used it...I mean it was in the book. Charles Spurgeon had used the word "The" countless times and I was going to use the word "The" in my paper on his book. Not to mention other words he used that I blatantly plagiarized. "A", "Is", "It", "For", and the list could go on and on.

I am such a fraud.

I actually think it is ridiculous to have to footnote anyway. I mean would anyone actually accuse me of coming up with anything? Let's face it, a blanket statement at the end of any paper that says something like, "The views, ideas, facts, similies, homilies, words, typos, considerations, misspellings, and contradictions contained in the above work are most likely the intellectual property of someone else that has lived within the last six thousand years and not necessarily that of the author,"(Cornett,N. 2006).

Well,that's all I got to say about that(Gump,F. 1994).

The thoughts, words, letters, spaces, etc. contained herein are hereby declared the intellectual property of the author and cannot be reproduced without expressed written consent...unless you give me credit in a footnote.

Emotion Breaks My Silence

2006-08-25T16:45:00.000-04:00

This blog has been on near hiatus status for some time now. But the travesty of yesterday has forced me to speak out. I am overwhelmed with emotion. Hurt and confusion have marked the past thirty hours of my life. When you lose something foundational, as we all have, how do we not get emotional? How do we act as if nothing has happened?

Pluto is no longer a planet. Pluto is no longer a planet.

In what I can only call The Pluto Seminar a bunch of "astronomers" gathered together in Europe to cast a bunch of marbles to decide upon the planetary destiny of the small orbital we all love so.

And just like that, Mickey Mouse's dog isn't a dog anymore, he's a cat or a pluton or something.

This atronometric snobbery must be put to an end. We must stand up for the little "planets" that cannot stand for themselves. What has Pluto ever done to anyone? What's next...Jupiter's too big, Mars and Venus make corny books, Neptune is too blue.

I haven't felt this much loss since the XFL folded.

And they best leave Uranus alone.

Diction.

2006-08-08T18:23:00.000-04:00

Words and phrases I like:

Edited it.
Erlanger
Avoidantageous
The blue crow flies at dawn
Munfordville
Ten animals I slam in a net.(read it backwards)
Graeters Black raspberry Chip
Free _________
Shasta
Pickled Eggs
Herbivore
Get in my bellay
Shwag
Spritzer (Say it with the z as a soft s, it's fun)
Polysporin
Desmond Tutu
Duchy
Bovine
That marking device is encapsulated in a celophanic membrane.
I have many leather bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.
George Pataki
Salisbury steak
Alejandro
Fah-ooo-ooo-dah
Juggernaut
StarWars/Powerstick
Chef Daddio (That's right, I cooked Christmas breakfast)
Audi 5000

What I Have Learned Recently

2006-07-25T22:38:00.000-04:00

1. When you take your two year old to the ER with a spiral break of the femur the doctors and P.A.'s tend to look at you accusingly.

2. When you tell them that he "fell at day-care" the doctors and P.A.'s tend to look at you accusingly.

3. When Child Protective Services find out that your two year old has a spiral break of the femur and comes to interview you, the social worker tends to look at you accusingly.

4. When you tell the social worker from Child Protective Services that he "fell at day-care" she tends to look at you accusingly.

5. When you walk your two year old around the hospital while he is hopped up on valium and he giggles constantly and says stuff like "I have hands!" and "My friends are going to the party" the other folks in the hospital tend to look at you accusingly.

6. When you get home and walk your two year old around the neighborhood so he can show off his new body cast your neighbors tend to look at you accusingly.

7. When you approach your two year old, who is in a body cast, with a syringe of medicine he tends to look at you accusingly.

8. When your two year old throws up(to quote the 2 yr old "blows chunks") full of the medicine you just gave him all over you, he tends to look at you accusingly.

9. When your three year old, who is staying with his grandparents while your two year old is in the hospital, goes up to them in only his underwear and says, "You wanna hear me toot?" they tend to look at you accusingly.

10. When you blog about what your family has been through in the past few days in a lighthearted way your readers tend to....hey, quit looking at me like that.

The Duck is Dead; But That Fowl Put Up a Fight

2006-07-09T22:37:00.000-04:00

I survived. I managed to finish the Lame Duck Try-Athlon and continue to breathe. But man was it hard. Here is what the Duck taught me.

1. I'm old, I'm fat, I'm slow.
a. I am older physically than a 72 year old man. I was beaten by nearly half an hour by a man that is seventy-freak'n-two!
b. I'm fat. I was maybe one of ten folks there with a percent body fat over 5.
c. I'm slow. Coming out of the swim I was ahead of only seven people. I thought I would make up time on the bike and run. I finished ahead of seven people.

2. I'm really slow. I finished in the bottom ten. I was beaten by a 72 year old, a 62 year old and a 14 year old girl. Seriously.

3. There is a lot of gravity in Georgetown. The hills in Mallard Point are unbelievable. Lance Armstrong could have trained for the Tour De Snooty Country there. There is no shame in walking a bike up a hill. Shut up Woodyard, there is no shame in walking a bike up a hill.

4. The residents of Mallard Point are very nice to the participants. They would have coolers of water out in there front yard and run along side of you to hand it to you. Some had hoses hooked up to spray you if you wanted. They all cheered you on. But, to be honest, the cheering started to get on my nerves. I was so slow and back in the pack that their cheers seemed almost condescending. There "you can do it's" took into an "isn't that special, that fat man is trying" type of feel. I wanted somebody to say, "Dude, your stink'n it up, speed up."

5. Oxygen is good. I went an hour and fifty four minutes with a serious oxygen debt.

6. I look good in yellow speedos. I went with the taxi cab yellow dry fit model. It's more stringy on the sides for aerodynamics. Think Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue but with part of the front hidden by a gut. Okay, so I didn't wear a speedo, actually I had the longest shorts in the race I think.

7. The truly hard core athletes are the ones whose bikes have kickstands and baby seat racks. Just like me.

8. My next tri-athlon is September 24. I encourage all to participate.

If you are into verification of statistics you can go to http://lameduck.freeservers.com/
and click on race results.

J. W. is back!!!

2006-07-06T17:11:00.000-04:00

Everybody check out Wiley's return to the blogging world. Just hit the link to JDub on the right side of the screen.

Try-Athlon

2006-06-27T23:34:00.000-04:00

On July 8 I will compete in my first triathlon. Compete could actually be too bold of a word. On July 8 I will drown in my first triathlon. There, that's better.

The race consists of a .53 mile swim, a 9.1 mile bike ride, and a 2.6 mile run. I have complete confidence in my ability to ride and run. The swim, not so much.

I have been going to the YMCA for weeks now getting prepared for the swim. I do not swim well. I have issues with buoyancy. My nose leaks. Basically, I can't swim. I know the aquatics director at the Y. She saw me swimming laps the other day and suggested that I enroll in her adult swim lesson class. I'd rather drown.

But I must tell you that I finally think that I have figured out the swim. All doggie paddle, all the time. I can doggie paddle for hours. It's slow, it's ugly, it's effective. I can now swim the .53 miles without stopping.

Also to prepare I have been working out, a lot. Just when I thought I could see a difference in my physique I heard this at work today. "Dang Nathan you're gett'n fat." Yeah, that guy got a raise.

So, as of right now I have 11 days to prepare for the triathlon. Consider it done.

Now, if I can only figure out what color of Speedo to wear.

Okay. Something You are Passionate About.

2006-06-20T22:37:00.000-04:00

So I am starting to get heckled for not getting comments for up to two days. But I now realize that it was my own fault. I don't think my last post was something that my loyal readers were all that excited about. So here goes.

Today Jordan was eating waffles. While she was eating said waffles she asked me what her next post should be about(check out her newest post at www.jordancor.blogspot.com). Since she was eating waffles and looking for a post topic I told her to blog about syrup. She scoffed. She could not write about syrup. Well, I can.

I really like syrup. I like it on pancakes. I like it on waffles. I really like it when you have bacon with any of the above and you dip your bacon in the syrup. And if the syrup is warm, don't get me started.

One time, when I was little, we were at my mammaw's house and my dad actually tapped a maple tree. Drained the sap. Then my mammaw made homemade maple syrup. Mmmmm.
I have many stories I could tell you about syrup. How I used to love the Mrs. Butterworth bottle. I always wanted her to start talking to me. I love how socially conscious syrup companies have gotten; i.e. remember when Mrs. Butterworth was dressed more like a slave but now she is like wearing a business suit(maybe that was Aunt Jemimah). Or how technologically advanced syrup companies have gotten; i.e. when all the syrup bottles started putting an indicator to let you know when your syrup was just the right temperature in the microwave.

But my all time favorite syrup story definitely trumps all the above. About a year ago Betty fixed breakfast for dinner(I love when she does that). Anyway, she fixed pancakes and bacon(great combo). After fixing the bacon she poured all the bacon grease into a cup(why do people save that?). A little while later in strolls Jordan. She fixes her pancakes and pours her "syrup" from the cup on the stove. Now why Jordan thought her mother would pour a half a cup of syrup and leave it on the stove I do not know. But anyway Jordan got a dose of Betty's Homemade Bacon Grease Syrup. Mmmmm. Smooth going down.

There. I blogged on syrup. I hope I sparked your passion.

Maybe I need some new friends.

2006-06-17T11:18:00.000-04:00

Two of Betty and my best friends are Matt and Stephanie. They used to be in our Bible study class but then they sold out and got married. So they became some of our married friends. But I have noticed that hanging around with them may not be good for my ego.

Let's start at the beginning.

Shortly after Matt and Steph got married I got a call from Steph. She was in hysterics. She could not talk for laughing. It seems that they had been watching an episode of The Andy Griffith Show when it hit her that I was the re-embodiment of Andy Taylor. Something about the way I talk reminds her of the sex symbol sheriff. Lovely.

Some time later our friend Jill was in a car wreck and in the hospital in Louisville. So Steph, Matt, Betty, Banks, and I went to Louisville to see her. While we were there the nurse came in to help Jill up. She asked Matt and I to leave the room for a little bit. So we took Banks, who was less than a year old, and went out in the hall. Matt held Banks, I held the baby bag. About that time a lady rounds the corner and almost bumps into us. She sees Matt holding the baby and me holding the diaper bag. She proceeds to give us a look of absolute disgust and walks off down the hall mumbling about us. Lovely.

But the one that takes the cake happened this past Wednesday. Matt and I had gone to the hospital to see another friend. While we were there we started talking with a guy in the lobby. After a few minutes the guy says to me while pointing at Matt, "Is this your son?" At first I thought he was kidding so I just laughed. But again I hear, "Is he your son?" He was serious. He was asking if my friend Matt was my son. He was asking if my 30 year old friend was my son. I am 32. Matt is 30. I was born in 1973. Matt was born in 1976. "Is he your son?" 32. 30. Matt's dad is in his late 50's. I am 32. Matt's son is a year old. I am 32. "Is this your son?" Lovely.

Now, I can deal with the fact that I remind people of Andy Taylor. I can sort of deal with the fact that I remind some lady in Louisville of Elton John. But I cannot deal with the fact that I remind people more of Matlock than Andy Taylor. I am even getting calls from Matt's wife demanding child support payment for the time they have been married. Lovely.

Assignment: Vacation

2006-06-06T18:15:00.000-04:00

I had a friend in college(no joke) that when he would go on vacation he would load up on mundane, one dollar or cheaper souvenirs. He did this so that upon his return when someone would ask, "What did you bring me?" he could say, "I saw this spoon with Nags Head on it and thought of you." I always thought it was kind of a waste because I never had any problem saying "nothing" when the question was posed to me. This all changed when my friend once took a trip to some place that I cannot remember. When he returned I asked, as a joke, "what did you get me?" Without hesitation he replied, "This previously viewed copy of Uncle Buck." I still have that tape and it warms my heart to think that when he was in "Everything's-a-Dollar" in Somewhere, USA he thought of me.

That brings me to my assignment for you. I don't travel very much. I want schwag. Since many of you are traveling some this summer (sPotts and sFost this weekend, ahem) I want you to bring me something back. No expense is necessary but appreciated. It could be a napkin that says "Nashville" or a 2007 Chevy Avalanche with Myrtle Beach license plates. Anything, I just want something from where you are going. Shameless, maybe. Sad, maybe. Nathan, totally.

The person that brings back the most creative souvenir will be given props on this blogsite. Now what other incentive could you need?

** Official Contest Rules **
-This contest does not expire or stop. Just keep bringing me stuff.
-Submissions are not tax deductible and become the property of the Elementary Intersocial Volition staff
-Bribes are accepted

Visuals

2006-06-01T10:09:00.000-04:00

Where did our boat go?

(below)I see the keys!
<-Sarah, before her cheeks were red.

<- The correct way to base jump(sort of) off Foster's Rock. Above is action self portrait of artist base jumping(sort of) off Foster's Rock.

My Observations as a Waterman

2006-05-29T13:14:00.000-04:00

1. Only the coolest people hold their nose when they jump in(or fall in) the river.

2. The literary choices of rafting(aka farting) guides would be considered offensive to church groups.

3. Tree branches are not good means of holding a smore over a fire. It is too hard to get them through the graham cracker without breaking it. Some people actually like to heat the marshmallow and then put it on the cracker. Wierdos.

4. Speck's....laugh....is....the....best....laugh....I....have....ever....heard....wait-for-it...

5. When jumping into a river from an elevation over fifteen feet the two best means of entry are either a seated or face first position. Smack.

6. The actual lyrics to Pat Benatar's "Heartbreaker" are:
Youre a heartbreaker
Dream maker, love taker
Dont you mess around with me!
Youre a heartbreaker
Dream maker, love taker
Dont you mess around - no no no!

There is no "Salt Shaker" in it.

7. "Farners" can't work car alarms.

8. When a sign says "Rafting Adventures Ahead" and has an arrow pointing to the left it doesn't mean go straight...it means go left.

9. In Fayetteville, WV everything is going on at The Foodland. Everything.

10. If you lose a tooth while in West Virginia you get automatic residency status.

11. You can skip a rock on water. It is harder to skip a rock off a raft guide.

12. Never, under any circumstances, put Luhkneeuhh in charge of the keys.

13. Sadly, the driver is just "the help."

Gauley, That's a Big Rapid!

2006-05-26T14:55:00.000-04:00

I've gone white water rafting.
I hope I live to post again.

Nate "Class V" Cornett.
Nate "Won't Scream Like a Girl" Cornett.
Nate "Doesn't need the first aid kit or inhaler his wife packed" Cornett.

Nathonics (or Nath')

2006-05-18T12:02:00.001-04:00

It seems to me that our world is 'bout to clear all use of words with two or more sylls' from our speech. It seems most use words like "what 'ev" and "'sich" to keep just with one syll'. This scares me 'cause I think words with two or more sylls' are ness' to our speech. Have we come to the point in our world where we are too bus' to use more than one syll'? Slow down my peeps, have joy in your sylls'. Life is too hard to spend it with just one syll' words. This mode of talk can lead to probs like not get point of talk. One word's first syll' might sound like that of diff' word's first syll' and change the point you want to make. When you see a friend on the street do you smile and say "hell'"? That might hurt your friend's heart and make them not glad. To close I would just like to say that I hope you will keep the use of two or more syll' words in our speech 'cause it is too hard to just speak or blog with just one syll' words.

Sin_ _ _ _ _ _,(See?)
Nate

A Little More of What I Have Learned

2006-05-18T12:02:00.000-04:00

1. When you blog about Golden Corral it seems to spark passion in people. In fact that is the only reason I included it here.

2. That either my daughter is especially mature or I am especially immature. It seems we are starting to share the same peer group. I met some of my friends at my daughter's softball game Monday. After the game she went out to eat with some of her friends. They were all the same people. Maybe it's not about me or her, maybe our friends are schizo(no offense, and no offense).

3. Wes C. cracks me up. He could blog professionally(I, however, intend to maintain my amateur status so I can blog in the Olympics).

4. From 1977 to present day there have been not less than eight people killed in rafting/kayaking accidents on the Gauley River in West Virginia. Many of whom were listed as "Experienced."

5. Losing your gut at age 32 is much more difficult than not having one at age 26. Warning to all: Food tastes much better after age 26.

6. The oatmeal at Frisch's it not nearly as good as Bob Evans.

7. There is something about riding a bicycle that make people think you are a wimp. On separate occasions I have had a tennis ball and a football thrown at me. Of course it didn't enter my mind to retaliate(WWJD?); and perhaps I am a wimp.

8. The lexicon is expanding faster than my mind. What does "'sich" mean?

9. Many of the blogs I encounter contain deep theological statements and observations. Now mine does too.

10. The new voting machines look like Paul Bunyon's Palm Pilot.

Person For The Responsible Use of Blogs.

2006-05-14T23:05:00.000-04:00

I have been noticing a trend in the blogoshpere. It seems many bloggers are signing off for the summer. This brings me to the question, "What are they doing?" What is causing them to leave their blogs behind?

Many people rely on these blogs to make it through their work and/or school day. It could be deemed irresponsible, dangerous even, to just jump ship on these people. Seriously, what effect will it have on the economy of Lexington if all of a sudden people started having to work while at work instead of reading blogs? Can our city stand such a shake up for the next three months?

I say we start a grass roots movement. If they want to stop blogging fine. But I am summoning the troops. I want everyone to cross-blog anyone whose blog they find to be "on hiatus." I don't care what you talk about, just talk long and often.

As for me, I refuse to go on summer hiatus. I will be here slinging the same slop I always do.

In fact I want to issue a challenge. I want you to find the "on hiatus" blogs and cross-blog on the following topics:
Electric Cars
Converse Tennishoes
Spandex Pants
Power Lines
Spaldings Donuts
Cornhole
So just choose one of the above mentioned topics, find an blog-en-hiatia, and cross-blog away. Then comment back here where you have cross-blogged so we can all read. Together we will keep the blogosphere moving.

Musings From the Heart of Stanley Burrell

2006-05-11T15:02:00.000-04:00

My my my music hits me...so hard
Makes me say, "Oh, my Lord,
Thank You, for blessing me
with a mind to rhyme and a too hype beat."
It feels good, when you know you're down
A super dope homeboy from the Oak-town;
and I'm known as such...
And this is a beat, uh, ya can't touch
You can't touch this

Fresh new kicks, advance
You gotta like that, now you know you wanna dance
So move, outta your seat
And get a fly girl and catch this beat
While it's rolling, hold on
Pump a little bit and let'em know it's going on
Like that, like that
Cold on a mission so call them back
Let 'em know, that you're too much
And this is a beat, uh, you can't touch
You can't touch this

Give me a song, or rhythm
Making 'em sweat, that's what I'm giving 'em
Now, they know
You talking about the Hammer you talking about a show
That's hype, and tight
Singers are sweating so pass them a wipe
Or a tape, to learn
What's it gonna take in the '90s to burn
The charts? Legit
Either work hard or you might as well quit

That's word because you know...

You can't touch this

Go with the funk, it is said
That if you can't groove to this then you probably are dead
So wave your finger in the air
Bust a few moves, run your fingers through your hair
This is it, for a winner
Dance to this and your gonna get thinner
Move, slide your rump
Just for a minute let's all do the bump, bump, bump
You can't touch this
You can't touch this

Every time you see me
The Hammer's just so hype
I'm dope on the floor and I'm magic on the mic
Now why would I ever stop doing this?
With others making records that just don't hit
I've toured around the world, from London to the Bay
It's "Hammer, go Hammer, MC Hammer, yo Hammer"
And the rest can go and play

You can't touch this
You can't touch this
You can't touch this

(Next time Patrick Swayze's She's Like the Wind)

The More You Know...The More You Grow

2006-05-03T22:51:00.000-04:00

Okay, I like to read. I like to read what my wife considers to be geek books. She doesn't understand how I can actually stay awake to read them while reading them. Anyway, this year I set a goal to read 12 nonfiction and 6 fiction books. The financial guru Dave Ramsey says that when polled most people that feel their lives are a success read on average 12 books a year. So, I figured why not, let's see how this works(okay, he actually says that when polled millionaires on average read 12 books a year. But that just sounds so materialistic--and yes I realize money does not equal success).

Now, I try to read books on a variety of topics. I try to read some classics...but I gotta be honest...who decided these were classics?

Right now I am reading Walden by Henry David Thoreau. It is a pretty good book but I don't understand all the acclaim given to it by folks like Don Henley et al. It's basically about Thoreau's time living in the wilderness of Massachusetts in the 1840s. It does make me want to lead a simpler life...but I do love me some indoor plumbing. Thoreau laments about the speed of life in the cities around him...how people just have to speed through life on trains that go 30 mph.

The other books I have read this year are:
Grant and Sherman: The Friendship that Won the Civil War-- Great book if you like history.
Getting entrepreneurial! Creating and Growing Your Own Business in the 21st Century--Not bad.
Bringing Up Boys by James Dobson--I gotta learn how to deal with Ude and Qusay somehow!

Add these to countless childrens books and cereal boxes and that pretty much rounds out my literary intake for '06. I gotta get to reading to reach my goal but generally I read more in the summer.

Up next is a John Avant book about having passion for Christ...I am not sure of its title. After that Kentucky Story, an anthology of Kentucky Short Stories...after that...who knows?

On a more serious note. I took my daughter for her driver permit test on Monday and the dude behind the counter had to be an Elvis impersonator...he looked just like "Jumpsuit Elvis."

An Interactive Blogging Experience

2006-05-01T18:04:00.000-04:00

We here at Elementary Intersocial Volition strive to make your blogging experience a fulfilling and intellectually stimulating event. Our aim is to stay on the forefront of weblog activity. To be proactive in doing what it takes to keep you, the co-blogger, locked in on our weblog goals.

For it is our mission to...
...
...
... okay, we don't have a mission. I just sit here and type and hopefully it forms words that make some kind of sense(at least to me).

But now it is your turn. We need your input on the future of Elementary Intersocial Volition. What exactly do you want to get from the time you spend on this site?

Is it more Bob Ross? Golden Girls? Do you wish me to wax poetic about how Hank Hill is the only true standard of actual masculinity in the media today? Do you want local buffet ratings? Time and Temperature? Since many of our readers are either from or reside in western Kentucky (Princeton area or the Masterson Station suburb of Owensboro) do you want me to report on the Who's Who of the 270? Basically, I want you, the co-blogger, to think of this as your site...you tell me.

For we shall chart the course of this blog cruise together.

Sincerely,
The Management

(It should be noted that extra credit will be awarded to those that say "We just tune in to read anything you have to say.")

What I have learned recently.

2006-04-27T23:41:00.000-04:00

Okay, I admit it...I've run out. It turns out that I just don't have as much to say as I thought I would. I have blogger-block(See Sorge's Blogger Dictionary for definition). So instead of harping on the news of the day or inspiring the world to broaden their minds through poetry I figured I would just wow you with some of the things I have picked up on recently.

1. If you go to Golden Corral and have the pot roast, the steak, and the ribs, and the pot roast, mashed potatoes, corn, the pot roast, seventeen rolls, the pot roast, carrots, and the pot roast you probably won't have enough room left over for the banana pudding. That just makes me sad.

2. In 1995 there were roughly five billion people living on Earth. In 1995 Baywatch was seen by one billion people. In 1995 20% of the world was watching Baywatch.

3. I have a friend that is wrapped up in a blog-stalker scene, and frankly I'm worried about her. If you have any advice on how to help her escape this life choice please comment.

4. I have learned that Haiku can bring out strong emotions in people. It makes some want to rhyme...all the time(sorry); it makes others hesitant to post their haikomments, and it can definitely change the whole landlord/tenant dynamic.

5. I have learned that when the K-Love and Air-1 radio stations have their pledge drives that I really don't mind commercials all that much.

6. Prince Charles owns a bunch of land in England and he is the Duke of something. And all the land that he owns is called The Duchy, since he is a Duke. No big point here, I just like to say "Duchy"(it's not as fun to type). Everyone say "Duchy." So how many of you are now singing "Pass the Duchy from the left hand side?"

Those are just a few of the things that I have learned in the last week or so. Please share anything you have learned recently.

Also a new service has been added to this blog. This service is called Cross-Blogging. If you would like to learn more read Nea's comments on the Haiku post. This service is sponsored by e-stalker.com.

Expanding Our Horizons

2006-04-19T09:28:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the delay since my last post but I have spent the last week totally focused on my role as thespian. I was playing the Roman Guard Gluteus Maximus in the Easter Play at church. In order to feel that I did the role justice I had to remain in character much of the time. Roman guards weren't all that big on blogs.

However, my time on stage has inspired me to finally pick a cause to support. It's the arts....too many people have told me that I am a natural. Plus, I really liked wearing the makeup.

So, to kick off the initial artsy-fartsy edition of this blog I want all comments to be submitted in Haiku form. That's right, 3 lines with 5, 7, and 5 syllables each. To ensure that this blog remains poetic all comments that do not contain a Haiku must be deleted. The gauntlet has been thrown.

Don't say to me, "Nate-
The Haiku idea's lame."
Eat toaster strudel.

A Pertinent Question

2006-04-12T23:03:00.000-04:00

At what age are you too old to have a blog?

Christian Sweeps Week

2006-04-07T14:31:00.000-04:00

Did you ever notice that every year as we approach Easter the news outlets turn into the Weird Christian News Services?

On one hand it gets on my nerves. Each March and April we are faced with countless stories of some newly discovered artifact that will revolutionize the way we see our faith, if not erase it altogether. This year it is "The Gospel of Judas." Everywhere you turn there is a story on it, as if it is new news. National Geographic is doing a special on it. The part that drives me nuts is that this "Gospel" was found thirty years ago, sold five years ago, and suddenly, just in time for Easter the media goes to work.

It is just not this story either. Just a five minute search reveals that TV news is filled with "Christian" stories. In addition to the Judas stuff there is:

Did Jesus have a Biological Father? on ABC
The Two Marys on CNN
The Life of John Paul II also on CNN(not a weird story, just convenient timing)
DatelineNBC is asking "What if Jesus Survived the Cross?"
And, my personal favorite, DatelineNBC sent people dressed as Muslims to a NASCAR race

I guess it just bugs me because they bring up these weird stories every year at this time.

Hopefully, as Christians, we can use the stories as starting points with our peers. Use them as opportunities to say, "That's crazy, here is the Truth!"

On a good note Larry King is having Billy Graham on this week.

I Don't Think I Can Handle It!!!

2006-04-05T21:18:00.000-04:00

I was under the mistaken impression that blogs were suppose to be a release. An intellectual playground, if you will. An electronic opportunity to "lay on the couch." But I must confess, the pressures of blogging are putting me on a different sort of couch.

Do you think it's easy coming up with something that people will want to read day in and day out? Little bits of wisdom that enthrall the masses don't just appear out of thin air! There is literally hours and hours of research and fact checking that go into these posts. Referencing and Cross-referencing(which is referencing while wearing a dress) to be done. Let's face it this isn't some Wikipedia-Make-It-Up-As- You-Go type of site. This is a sincere, engaging, and mentally stimulating type of pointless journalism. I just don't know if I have what it takes to continue.

You miss a couple of days of posts and suddenly two of your four readers are all over you. "Nathan, I couldn't get out of bed, I was too upset because you didn't post" and "Nathan, I can't face college without your wisdom." I CAN'T TAKE THE PRESSURE!!! I AM NOT A YOUNG MAN! I HAVE SEVEN GRAY HAIRS!!! I CApN'T TrAKipE TqnHE vPRESyyiURE!!?!

Shoo, I'm glad I got that off my chest.

I had a great day today. Work was good, church was great. That guy that led S.A.L.T. sure was good looking and quite insightful. I would have to say the total package. Well, I can't wait to post again.
Nathan.

Wow, that was fast!!!

2006-04-01T21:33:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I decided to start this blog thing. My original intent was to keep it on the DL. Not out of any need for secrecy, I just wanted to practice a little before I spread my knowledge to the masses. Then by some voodoo computer magic Sarah F. busts me within seven seconds of me setting this thing up. I thought I would get a couple of days anyways, but literally instantly I was discovered.

So I figured cool, it's out there, lets see what people say. What it did was turn me into a person obsessed with checking for comments. I am now checking email about 47 times a day to see if anyone has posted anything. It's like I am in college again and have just passed a note to a girl that says, "I like you, do you like me? Check one." and now I have to see her response. I live for the comment....it is sad.

Before, I was secure in my technology...I'd check email when I felt like it. Usually like once a month. Now I find myself thinking, "Should I get a Blackberry?" Or, "I could set it up to email me on my phone when I get a comment!'

The effects are starting to show on my family. I think I am neglecting my kids to check for comments. My sons ask my wife who I am, my daughter is dating a hair dresser, and my wife keeps spending time with some "friend" named Noel. The worst part is I found out all of this through a comment posted by our neighbor.

So basically what I am saying is....Comment, please make comments, don't let my family suffer in vain!

My Mormon Visitors

2006-03-30T21:04:00.000-05:00

Tonight some missionaries from the Church of Latter Day Saints came by. They stayed for about an hour and a half and we had a good conversation. They have agreed to come to church and Bible study this Sunday. Please pray for these guys, their names are Elders Foster and Anderson. They are great guys and I hope that they can be influenced for Christ by coming to our church.

When I asked the key question (What does it take for a person to go to Heaven?) they gave what seems to be a great faith answer (It takes faith in Christ as your personal Lord and Savior). The problem is that the Mormon idea of who Jesus is is totally different than what we believe.

I am excited that they are willing to try our church they just need to be covered in prayer.

My First Post

2006-03-28T23:27:00.000-05:00

So I am throwing my hat into the blogging ring. Which basically means that I will type something and then a little while later my wife and probably few(if any) others will read it(thanks Baybuh!).

While I was setting up this page it gave me the option of putting up some of my favorite links. It was then that I discovered that I didn't really have many favorite links. This got me thinking, I need a cause...something to support, something to take a stand on, something I can link to. Problem is I have no idea what that cause could be. I wouldn't mind helping out the environment but that can sometimes lead you down that "over passionate" (i.e. "crazy") road--plus I ultimately hope to own an SUV. I guess I could help out the Arts but to be honest I just don't get it--and it has been hard for me to even look at a painting since Bob Ross died. There's Animals, but in general they taste too good. So if anyone(Betty) has any ideas about a cause to support let me know...then I can put their link on my page...I just love helping out a good cause.